Dogs of February

Winter gets me down, there is no doubt about it, and February is the worst of it, but this year, it is worse yet again. My back is acting up, the old hurt combined with new hurt, a new injury in a new area, and that is fucking with my mojo in a major way. The depression is as strong as it was what.. almost 14 years ago now? I knew there was a correlation, but I never realized just how strong that correlation was, but bang, back pain, hello depression. I feel weak, tired, cranky, and have lost my self-confidence, and it hard, so very hard to keep my head above water. As before, when I was running through the possibilities of what my new life would be without the theatre, I am faced with a time of great uncertainty, work is a tumultuous place to be right now. The threat of lay-offs is very real, and scares the hell out me. After all, I chose this path specifically for the stability it was supposed to afford. The major re-organization that is taking place, sans plan, is making it very difficult to great each day with a smile. My new job is so much like my old job in theatre, it is scary (an irony that is not lost on me, believe me - who knew that I would come all this way only to become a production stage manager once more... without a stage...).

My sleep patterns are fucked - an hour here, an hour there, and then when I finally drop into it, it is almost impossible to wake up when the alarm goes off, it takes me 45 minutes to get out of bed. I do so with a dread about the day ahead, mostly because I feel out of my comfort zone in so many ways, and at the same time, like I am living through a hell I had already survived. Except this time, there is not time for proper healing, and sure as hell, not enough time for introspection... and yet, here I lie, typing all my introspection into the computer to post in a semi-anonymous forum... except this time, I am not sure that there is a readership otu there, because I haven't really told anyone that I have this site...

So, what's a forty something fella with a chronic bad back and a severe case of situational depression to do? I sure as hell don't want to go back on the pills, the pills fuck with me too much and more often than not, by the time my chemistry has been sorted with the meds, the situation part that causes the depression has passed.