Funda"mentally" Broken

I am fundamentally broken. I know this. I have known this since I was 5 years old. The event s that happened that year changed me as a human being and have altered my perception form that moment on. I fell I am not like everyone else, but that maybe mistaken, maybe everyone is as fucked up as I am and they are just better at dealing with it.
Don't get me wrong, I have my moments of clarity and strength but tonight I feel small, insignificant and ultimately alone. I hate that feeling, - I know it isn't true, I know I have friends and family but right now, I feel lost - I have been experiencing the involuntary crying episodes, I feel lost at work, and I feel like I am simply going through the motions of life. Not living, not experiencing, but carrying through in this numb version of myself. It is funny - this was sort of how the anti-depressants used to make me feel... now I just feel it as an everyday emotion.
There is a lot I have going for me right now, a good job, a great marriage, and yet there is this giant hole where I would normally feel things like joy, confidence, strength and all of those other traits that other people have often attributed to me. But all I feel is tired, uncertain, and lonely and I don't know what may be required to fix it. Given the physical reaction I had to the anti-depressants the last time around, I am loathe to try that route again - the swelling of my legs and the way they turned blue and gave me such difficulty walking- and the chest pain that came along with it all means I am a little bit afraid of pursuing that avenue.
The only people I can really talk to about this are far away - one back home, and the other on the other side of the world.
I have not written in a long time - mostly because I have lost the ability to express what it is I am going through. Mostly because I have been trying to focus on the positive, but not really finding it.
There is a hole - deep inside, perhaps it has been there all my life,  but it is definitely more pronounced since Dad died last February. I haven't written about that because I don't know what to say - I miss him. And I worry about my Mom, I especially worry about Mom this Xmas as I am flying to BC on the 23rd. I am floundering a little - I kind of don't know where to turn. I know that the mental health system in Ontario is so very overwhelmed that the chances of getting in to see someone for medication is not going to happen anytime soon. I know that I should probably get myself back on the medication to ease the hollowness and emptiness.
There has been a lot of craziness, a lot of change, and a lot of sorrow in this past year, friends partners dying,  friends parents dying, my dad dying, friends with cancer, friends with severe depression, and so on and so on.... Work has lost all of the stability it provided. The public thinks we are all useless public servants, the government thinks we are all useless public servants, and everyone is afraid for their jobs. Every process that I knew or learned has now been changed, or is int he process of being changed, and no one is stepping up to provide the senior leadership or direction required.
 We have another wingnut in the states who kills 28 people - 20 of them kids. We have another wingnut in China who stabs more than 20 kids. We have governments who are so scared of maintaining their power that they are unwilling to take steps to step this kind of bullshit.
All of me hurts - physically - my back, my legs, my neck, my arms, my chest - all of me. I can't seem to shake it. I keep gaining weight, which ism't helping my self-confidence in anyway. and I am exhausted all the time. It takes everything I have to get myself out of bed each morning, and then make it to work or to do what must needs doing.
Xmas is helping somewhat - the pretty lights in the darkness make me smile, and buying people presents makes me feel better, and donating to charity makes me feel better - but for the most part, I have lost a crucial piece of my self - and I don't know how to get it back....

Dogs of February

Winter gets me down, there is no doubt about it, and February is the worst of it, but this year, it is worse yet again. My back is acting up, the old hurt combined with new hurt, a new injury in a new area, and that is fucking with my mojo in a major way. The depression is as strong as it was what.. almost 14 years ago now? I knew there was a correlation, but I never realized just how strong that correlation was, but bang, back pain, hello depression. I feel weak, tired, cranky, and have lost my self-confidence, and it hard, so very hard to keep my head above water. As before, when I was running through the possibilities of what my new life would be without the theatre, I am faced with a time of great uncertainty, work is a tumultuous place to be right now. The threat of lay-offs is very real, and scares the hell out me. After all, I chose this path specifically for the stability it was supposed to afford. The major re-organization that is taking place, sans plan, is making it very difficult to great each day with a smile. My new job is so much like my old job in theatre, it is scary (an irony that is not lost on me, believe me - who knew that I would come all this way only to become a production stage manager once more... without a stage...).

My sleep patterns are fucked - an hour here, an hour there, and then when I finally drop into it, it is almost impossible to wake up when the alarm goes off, it takes me 45 minutes to get out of bed. I do so with a dread about the day ahead, mostly because I feel out of my comfort zone in so many ways, and at the same time, like I am living through a hell I had already survived. Except this time, there is not time for proper healing, and sure as hell, not enough time for introspection... and yet, here I lie, typing all my introspection into the computer to post in a semi-anonymous forum... except this time, I am not sure that there is a readership otu there, because I haven't really told anyone that I have this site...

So, what's a forty something fella with a chronic bad back and a severe case of situational depression to do? I sure as hell don't want to go back on the pills, the pills fuck with me too much and more often than not, by the time my chemistry has been sorted with the meds, the situation part that causes the depression has passed.

February Faultlines

Everything is changing around me again and I feel once more completely at sea with no means of propulsion. I feel the winter closing in on me, trap[ping me into a well of self-doubt and self-pity. I feel everything I loved about my job slipping out of my grasp as my responsibilities change. I feel the darkness of the day heavy on my shoulders. I feel the pain where the metal meets my bones, and for no reason at all... I feel alone. I feel distant from everyone and everything. I don't feel grounded in my surroundings or my job or my home or my life. And there really isn't a damn thing I can do but suck it up and take it.