There is a constant struggle inside of me; it has many faces. The person I am vs the person I think I am; the politics I adhere to vs the job that I work in; the sexuality that embodies me vs the way I get to express it; the longing for a stable home vs the
Gypsy's curse that fills me with wanderlust; the missing homeland vs the land where I currently reside; the hedonistic want to escape into pleasure, drugs, alcohol, books, movies, games and all sorts of fantasy vs the reality of my daily life; and so many other dualities that all reside inside me. How is one supposed to reconcile all of this? Is this what being a grown up is all about? Has it really taken me forty-one years to be no further ahead inside of myself than I was when I was a besotted teen?
A lot has happened in these past few years, I am missing using my mind in creative outlets, and yet I am often unable to spark anything creatively outside of work because I am so exhausted by the time I finish work that I am unable to do more than watch something on the TV and then collapse into a zombie-like state before sleep overtakes me. And yet, my brain buzzes through the zombieness, and sleep remains restless and and my need for rest remains unfulfilled.
There is often anger but directed at injustice, there is always lust, and sometimes, when I am lucky, there is peace. Apparently I need to write again, in all factions... blog, fiction, academics, politics, and well I guess some therapy... look out world
