no luck in looking

So, no job offers, I was nobody's first choice candidate.... now I get to wait another week to see if I was anybody's second choice candidate.... blech

anxiety

So I am hypothetically 36 hours away from knowing if I have a job or not. I say hypothetically because it is possible that this Friday will come and go and I still won't know. The first round of job matching happens this Friday. What that means is that the number one choices for all the positions are sent out letters of "intent to offer" - Those who receive offers will have 30 hours to respond either in the affirmative or negative, and then those answers will be gathered, sorted and the accepted positions will be removed from the list. Then the following Friday the offers for the number two matches for those positions, same process - this continues until the 18th of July, when all the positions will be filled. I really hope that I get at least one offer on this first Friday, I am not sure I can handle going through this every week for the next month. I am tense, I am frustrated, and I am not able to focus on getting the work done for school that I need to be doing. I am making myself work for 5 hours a day, on the school stuff, but I am not flowing... not even a little bit. All I can focus on is the wonder if there is going to be a job or not. The odds are good but I am leery of getting too excited about it. I have been down that road before. In some ways I would have been happier if there was only the one day of offers, and that way, if at the end of it, I didn't have a gig, I would at least know one way or the other. This way can lead to a month of uncertainty - followed by even longer, because if I don't end up with a job out of these offers, i sit in a pool for a year, where I could be hired from at a a later date. All of this plays havoc with planning, budgeting, organizing, etc. Too many uncertain variables, too many hopes to be dashed or realized. I admit to being a lot lost in terms of my own self and my own centre right now. I do not feel very grounded, and the weightlessness is not one of floating, but of drifting uncontrollably. Finding the centre would rock, if I was the sort to just be able to take each day as it comes, but that has never been my strong suit. I like to make plans, and back up contingencies if those plans do not come to fruition. But my plans right now are all contingent on something I have no control over. All I can do is try to keep my head in my books, and try to keep myself active for the next few days / weeks / months... *sigh* I suck at grey... I am really good at black and white....